“I should’ve have lost the two of you. I missed you guys and I need you guys so much. But death is permanent, and I must understand the fact that I can’t get you guys back. I regret my decisions and actions at the time so much. I shouldn’t have let you guys go, and assumed that you are doing okay.”
On the chemistry test, I got stuck on the last part of the FRQ and I fixated on it for 40 minutes even though I haven’t made much progress. Fear and frustration occupied much of my rational thinking and emotions. It was the biggest attack of fear that I’ve experienced all year and I remember breaking down and crying to my teacher a little bit about it.
But everything has to make sense now that I know how it ended. I did as well on the FRQ as I did on the MCQ. Instead of failing the FRQ, I did okay. But what surprised me was 2 points that I missed on the multiple choice. One of them I straight up forgot to bubble in on the scantron and the other I made a mistake marking the right choice. Two points that made a 10 percent impact on the test that I could’ve saved if I just double checked my answer and let the question that I was stuck on go.
The fear at the time didn’t make sense anymore.
Through a random turn of events, the world looks a lot different than what I thought it would be. This taught me that it’s okay to freak out on a question, but I must be able to move on and set that aside the worrying thoughts, knowing that I still have the power to make the next choice that will benefit me the most.
In life, though, this goes back to the concept of the uncertainty of the future I learned about in absurdism. With so much happening in my life as a highschool junior, it’s hard to lose track of the “now” and determine the values of my actions based on some result and expectations like getting into a good college. When I didn’t do so well on a test, my thoughts would immediately spiral down to failing a class, not getting into a good college, and ultimately not being able to become who I dream to be.
But the thing is, there isn’t any way to guarantee a future, all you can do is what’s happening now. If you can be authentic with your every step, making the decision for yourself and not for the hope,
trust me, you’ll be fine.