The Horrifying Journey to Waking Up

Why do I feel so out of control with everything?

When reality fails my expectations, I have to learn to be accommodating and flexible, but I get easily frustrated and mad. I’m constantly struggling between my inflated ego and pitiless self-sabotage and self-doubt. Sometimes, I think that I don’t deserve it when things work out, and I immediately criticize myself to keep the optimism away. Whenever a problem arises, my first thought would be I can accept the worst-case scenario, it’s really happening and I can handle it. But deep within my psyche, a voice asks, are you sure you’re not secretly wishing or even believing that it’s going to work out and the worst-case scenario wouldn’t really happen? Are you still unconsciously hanging on to the hope that you are different and unique and you deserve to be the exception? Then I’ll proceed to criticize myself in order to destroy that last bit of hope. My defense mechanism pushes me to absolute pessimism, even in the face of the most trivial things such as making a wrong turn while walking in the city.

I cried and had a mental breakdown in my sleep last night. The self-harming thoughts, the difficulty breathing due to sobs, and the intense fear and desperation were all extremely vivid, just like how I’ve experienced it in the past. Also, I remember I was pitching at my stomach, a struggle with my self-image. But I woke up to a dry face lacking tears, which works in the favor of concealing my unconscious sadness in the waking reality.

Unleashing the buried unconsciousness, the sadness of the inner child acts up while I dreamt, but once I wake up, logic and rationale take over. I stop being distraught and confused, I feel at ease once I understood what was going on, and made a conscious decision to settle those feelings. Then, I would leave the bed and go about my day.

For some reason, I don’t feel absolutely hopeless. Within me, there’s an innate ability to hope despite my conditioned, conscious efforts to eliminate it. I’m hoping that this pessimism will only pass as I get used to the new environment more.