Category: Diary

The Horrifying Journey to Waking Up

Why do I feel so out of control with everything?

When reality fails my expectations, I have to learn to be accommodating and flexible, but I get easily frustrated and mad. I’m constantly struggling between my inflated ego and pitiless self-sabotage and self-doubt. Sometimes, I think that I don’t deserve it when things work out, and I immediately criticize myself to keep the optimism away. Whenever a problem arises, my first thought would be I can accept the worst-case scenario, it’s really happening and I can handle it. But deep within my psyche, a voice asks, are you sure you’re not secretly wishing or even believing that it’s going to work out and the worst-case scenario wouldn’t really happen? Are you still unconsciously hanging on to the hope that you are different and unique and you deserve to be the exception? Then I’ll proceed to criticize myself in order to destroy that last bit of hope. My defense mechanism pushes me to absolute pessimism, even in the face of the most trivial things such as making a wrong turn while walking in the city.

I cried and had a mental breakdown in my sleep last night. The self-harming thoughts, the difficulty breathing due to sobs, and the intense fear and desperation were all extremely vivid, just like how I’ve experienced it in the past. Also, I remember I was pitching at my stomach, a struggle with my self-image. But I woke up to a dry face lacking tears, which works in the favor of concealing my unconscious sadness in the waking reality.

Unleashing the buried unconsciousness, the sadness of the inner child acts up while I dreamt, but once I wake up, logic and rationale take over. I stop being distraught and confused, I feel at ease once I understood what was going on, and made a conscious decision to settle those feelings. Then, I would leave the bed and go about my day.

For some reason, I don’t feel absolutely hopeless. Within me, there’s an innate ability to hope despite my conditioned, conscious efforts to eliminate it. I’m hoping that this pessimism will only pass as I get used to the new environment more.

A Letter to the Future

I admitted my limitations and the strength of my opponent, but knew that I had the energy to push myself to achieve the next serve. All I could see and feel was the game at the moment. The world felt so colorful, and I could even see all angles of the gold flakes in the sky.

After the tennis game, I walked home while looking at the lone star. Solitude overtaken me: I was shaken, but not scared by this unfamiliar, re-experienced loneliness. I knew that I was truly alone in this world. No actions of other people can push me anymore. I’ve grown out of following other’s orders in seek for temporary achievement. I have to look towards the distance star: something long term and difficult to achieve in order to move on to the future.

It’s self torture really — having the confidence to face the difficulty and utilize your full potential. Making your own star to follow.

At the Trough of the Wave: Junior Year Finals Diary

5/18

I just ran today, I set a goal of reaching 200 calories but i got 198. But I wouldn’t have made it that far if I didn’t push myself to meet that goal. And looking at the result, I was satisfied because it’s not about the score that I get but the health and mental wellbeing benefits I got from doing this workout. I can see myself right now in the last few minutes of the workout, trying to get that number. Facing so many tests, I feel like my life is determined by the number that’s going to be delivered to me by college board and I cram even harder and become even more scared. It’s good to let the anxiety motivate you, but in the end though, look back at how far you’ve come, the regrets, the achievements, and the mental breakdowns. It doesn’t come down to the tests, you have already made it through so much of it. When you are at the last moment to make a difference, believe in yourself and live it the best way possible.

I’m going to try again tomorrow and get that 200. Even if it doesn’t come tomorrow I’m going to try again and again. And I’m gaining just by going through the process. Isn’t that what learning is about too? Remember what Mr. Monge said about failing this one so you can do better in the future. Let future remain as a concept that you would push yourself toward, not pull.

I’m going to leave this in draft until the next week is over. Let me try this out. see how I feel after that, just ot paralel with my experince with the work out

5/28

Hey, I’m just checking back in after the first two weeks of hell. I’m so tired, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it. I feel so drain and not even being about to write down my feelings. I’m just numb by all the practice questions and the actually tests. I’ve taken 5 of them so far and 3 more to go. I’m more than half way there, and the second half looks like it’s worse but I’ve got a lot of time to prepare for it. Last way to conquer and reach summer break!

I’m going to relax for the weekend and be ready for the last steps. Then I’ll do whatever planning necessary to get back on track.

6/16

Hello!!! Catherine on the summer break just want to tell you that everything is okay here on the other side of the wave. It gets quite boring without the studying and tears but it’s freeing, because you can sail anywhere you want to!

The freedom does come with its own challenges, though. Ever since the break started 6 days ago, my worries and thoughts have suddenly seized to exist. I find myself waking up at a very early hour without the reason behind it. I had nothing to do. Day by day, I find myself yearning for something productive to do but it was too late because I’ve lost faith in myself. I had things planned for this period, updating my blogs, planning trips, college stuff. It should be a very fun and flexible time, but with so much freedom on my hand, I was too scared to do anything. Today I went out to swim, it was really nice, especially the bubbles of the jacuzzi. I felt empowered suddenly, because I made the choice to get out of my house today and jump in the pool and it was a positive and fulfilling experience. I’ve set my intention for today to be productive and prepare for a week of adventure! I’m still on track but time is limited! don’t fall behind.

Get out of your comfort zone, jump in the pool, and believe in yourself!!