At the Trough of the Wave: Junior Year Finals Diary

5/18

I just ran today, I set a goal of reaching 200 calories but i got 198. But I wouldn’t have made it that far if I didn’t push myself to meet that goal. And looking at the result, I was satisfied because it’s not about the score that I get but the health and mental wellbeing benefits I got from doing this workout. I can see myself right now in the last few minutes of the workout, trying to get that number. Facing so many tests, I feel like my life is determined by the number that’s going to be delivered to me by college board and I cram even harder and become even more scared. It’s good to let the anxiety motivate you, but in the end though, look back at how far you’ve come, the regrets, the achievements, and the mental breakdowns. It doesn’t come down to the tests, you have already made it through so much of it. When you are at the last moment to make a difference, believe in yourself and live it the best way possible.

I’m going to try again tomorrow and get that 200. Even if it doesn’t come tomorrow I’m going to try again and again. And I’m gaining just by going through the process. Isn’t that what learning is about too? Remember what Mr. Monge said about failing this one so you can do better in the future. Let future remain as a concept that you would push yourself toward, not pull.

I’m going to leave this in draft until the next week is over. Let me try this out. see how I feel after that, just ot paralel with my experince with the work out

5/28

Hey, I’m just checking back in after the first two weeks of hell. I’m so tired, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it. I feel so drain and not even being about to write down my feelings. I’m just numb by all the practice questions and the actually tests. I’ve taken 5 of them so far and 3 more to go. I’m more than half way there, and the second half looks like it’s worse but I’ve got a lot of time to prepare for it. Last way to conquer and reach summer break!

I’m going to relax for the weekend and be ready for the last steps. Then I’ll do whatever planning necessary to get back on track.

6/16

Hello!!! Catherine on the summer break just want to tell you that everything is okay here on the other side of the wave. It gets quite boring without the studying and tears but it’s freeing, because you can sail anywhere you want to!

The freedom does come with its own challenges, though. Ever since the break started 6 days ago, my worries and thoughts have suddenly seized to exist. I find myself waking up at a very early hour without the reason behind it. I had nothing to do. Day by day, I find myself yearning for something productive to do but it was too late because I’ve lost faith in myself. I had things planned for this period, updating my blogs, planning trips, college stuff. It should be a very fun and flexible time, but with so much freedom on my hand, I was too scared to do anything. Today I went out to swim, it was really nice, especially the bubbles of the jacuzzi. I felt empowered suddenly, because I made the choice to get out of my house today and jump in the pool and it was a positive and fulfilling experience. I’ve set my intention for today to be productive and prepare for a week of adventure! I’m still on track but time is limited! don’t fall behind.

Get out of your comfort zone, jump in the pool, and believe in yourself!!

To the points that died in vain

“I should’ve have lost the two of you. I missed you guys and I need you guys so much. But death is permanent, and I must understand the fact that I can’t get you guys back. I regret my decisions and actions at the time so much. I shouldn’t have let you guys go, and assumed that you are doing okay.”

On the chemistry test, I got stuck on the last part of the FRQ and I fixated on it for 40 minutes even though I haven’t made much progress. Fear and frustration occupied much of my rational thinking and emotions. It was the biggest attack of fear that I’ve experienced all year and I remember breaking down and crying to my teacher a little bit about it.

But everything has to make sense now that I know how it ended. I did as well on the FRQ as I did on the MCQ. Instead of failing the FRQ, I did okay. But what surprised me was 2 points that I missed on the multiple choice. One of them I straight up forgot to bubble in on the scantron and the other I made a mistake marking the right choice. Two points that made a 10 percent impact on the test that I could’ve saved if I just double checked my answer and let the question that I was stuck on go.

The fear at the time didn’t make sense anymore.

Through a random turn of events, the world looks a lot different than what I thought it would be. This taught me that it’s okay to freak out on a question, but I must be able to move on and set that aside the worrying thoughts, knowing that I still have the power to make the next choice that will benefit me the most.

In life, though, this goes back to the concept of the uncertainty of the future I learned about in absurdism. With so much happening in my life as a highschool junior, it’s hard to lose track of the “now” and determine the values of my actions based on some result and expectations like getting into a good college. When I didn’t do so well on a test, my thoughts would immediately spiral down to failing a class, not getting into a good college, and ultimately not being able to become who I dream to be.

But the thing is, there isn’t any way to guarantee a future, all you can do is what’s happening now. If you can be authentic with your every step, making the decision for yourself and not for the hope,

trust me, you’ll be fine.

A Choice to Savor Consciously

We go about most of our days as empty-headed zombies. For me, being locked inside my room because of quarantine robs me of my passion and motivation. However, an interesting phenomenon I found was that it was easier for me to do creative work during the hour of the sunset. I think this is because of the immense passion I felt during one sunset walk; buried in messy thoughts from school, the beauty of nature captivated me and released me from my mental spiraling.

One View Outside the Window

Since that experience, I consistently go for a sunset walk, during which the warm lights enable the cultivation of many great ideas for my writing pieces. I also started a personal blog named Conscious Hour to record some of the ideas and compile them into my personal philosophy. I chose to savor the moment consciously because I believe that in a day of our busy, disorientating lives, finding a time of spiritual connection allows our creative mindset and passion to flow through the blockade of negative thoughts and emotions. Doing so, we can better ground ourselves through reflection and deep breaths, before moving forward.

Staying Motivated to Work Out

The first five second on the treadmill feels unbearable. The muscles in my leg screaming for me to stop the sudden strain after resting and sitting around on a typical quarantine day.

It has been fourteen months into the pandemic and numerous failed attempts to get myself on to the treadmill. After throwing my workout plans out of the window for the last time, I finally found a way that worked wonderfully and like nothing before!

Today is day two into my workout routine: that is running 20 minutes on the treadmill, a small challenge but never to be underestimated. I discovered that listening to the songs by Ev e, a Japanese singer that I found on Youtube, energizes me so much that I’m actually having fun during the usually devastating 20 minutes. It’s the exhilarating competition between the fast beats of the music and my pace of running that puts me on the thrill to not slow down. I’m currently working to finish a two hour playlist, which will be 6 sessions. And at the end of it, I’ll be able to look back and check off this accomplishment.