Self-improvement – The Conscious Hour

Getting to a Better Place

I went skateboarding in the sunset, and the greyness of the sky afterward reminded me of the emptiness I feel most of the nights. Missing numerous sunsets is the cause of my misery because I need the orange glow to keep my soul alive in the monotone darkness.

I REALLY NEED IT. I NEED TO MAKE IT A MISSION TO GO OUT AND SEE EVERY SUNSET.

I will do it! It’s how I can become better. My personal voice awakens in the sunset, and the dark thoughts get pushed into the background and I finally feel like I’m ready for life.

A Letter to the Future

I admitted my limitations and the strength of my opponent, but knew that I had the energy to push myself to achieve the next serve. All I could see and feel was the game at the moment. The world felt so colorful, and I could even see all angles of the gold flakes in the sky.

After the tennis game, I walked home while looking at the lone star. Solitude overtaken me: I was shaken, but not scared by this unfamiliar, re-experienced loneliness. I knew that I was truly alone in this world. No actions of other people can push me anymore. I’ve grown out of following other’s orders in seek for temporary achievement. I have to look towards the distance star: something long term and difficult to achieve in order to move on to the future.

It’s self torture really — having the confidence to face the difficulty and utilize your full potential. Making your own star to follow.

Being Lost in the Moment

It’s the throbbing in my chest when I sprint out of my room to catch that last glimpse of the crimson sunset and later capturing such feelings in the muse of aimless freedom in my writing. The poetry captures my spontaneity, as a sudden beautiful flickering of the candlelight can launch me into composing a new poem and a supplemental artwork for the post.

When I listen to my heart through writing poetry, I’m no longer lost navigating the maze of societal expectations. The certainty that the beauty of the candlelight and the sunset will diminish eventually forces me to cherish it at the moment, and I want to bring my readers to the present moment, to the deep meaning of a single flicker. My goal is to share my journey to self introspection and inspire my readers by showing them the appeal of being mindful in the present and breaking free of the past and future.

The full yellow moon

the little things in life

the happiness of riding smoothly

where am I now?

what’s up ahead?

Freedom from the Routine

Whenever you feel like you are trapped in the same routine, remember that you have the freedom to do something different and break out of the mundane situation. You should never be bound to anything, especially your own expectations and worries about the things that you can’t control.

The morning walk happened without a goal. It was an important journey for me to feel better after such a long time of being trapped in business. I ahead time to think about why I’m so stressed and what things I should let go of in order to lighten the weight on myself. What good is it to set a deadline that isn’t even reinforced by reality. I recognized the world outside of the worrying mind because there are infinite ways for me to make my day different from the past by seeking out new experience and becoming lost in the moment instead of hurrying everything to get to the next self-enforced goal.

Seriously, you taking on so much right now, but what are the things that really matter?

It’s a tough question but I think it makes me better prepared for the day. I was freed from the all or nothing mentality that trapped me in my own expectations and ripped me of the freedom of my actions.

At the Trough of the Wave: Junior Year Finals Diary

5/18

I just ran today, I set a goal of reaching 200 calories but i got 198. But I wouldn’t have made it that far if I didn’t push myself to meet that goal. And looking at the result, I was satisfied because it’s not about the score that I get but the health and mental wellbeing benefits I got from doing this workout. I can see myself right now in the last few minutes of the workout, trying to get that number. Facing so many tests, I feel like my life is determined by the number that’s going to be delivered to me by college board and I cram even harder and become even more scared. It’s good to let the anxiety motivate you, but in the end though, look back at how far you’ve come, the regrets, the achievements, and the mental breakdowns. It doesn’t come down to the tests, you have already made it through so much of it. When you are at the last moment to make a difference, believe in yourself and live it the best way possible.

I’m going to try again tomorrow and get that 200. Even if it doesn’t come tomorrow I’m going to try again and again. And I’m gaining just by going through the process. Isn’t that what learning is about too? Remember what Mr. Monge said about failing this one so you can do better in the future. Let future remain as a concept that you would push yourself toward, not pull.

I’m going to leave this in draft until the next week is over. Let me try this out. see how I feel after that, just ot paralel with my experince with the work out

5/28

Hey, I’m just checking back in after the first two weeks of hell. I’m so tired, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it. I feel so drain and not even being about to write down my feelings. I’m just numb by all the practice questions and the actually tests. I’ve taken 5 of them so far and 3 more to go. I’m more than half way there, and the second half looks like it’s worse but I’ve got a lot of time to prepare for it. Last way to conquer and reach summer break!

I’m going to relax for the weekend and be ready for the last steps. Then I’ll do whatever planning necessary to get back on track.

6/16

Hello!!! Catherine on the summer break just want to tell you that everything is okay here on the other side of the wave. It gets quite boring without the studying and tears but it’s freeing, because you can sail anywhere you want to!

The freedom does come with its own challenges, though. Ever since the break started 6 days ago, my worries and thoughts have suddenly seized to exist. I find myself waking up at a very early hour without the reason behind it. I had nothing to do. Day by day, I find myself yearning for something productive to do but it was too late because I’ve lost faith in myself. I had things planned for this period, updating my blogs, planning trips, college stuff. It should be a very fun and flexible time, but with so much freedom on my hand, I was too scared to do anything. Today I went out to swim, it was really nice, especially the bubbles of the jacuzzi. I felt empowered suddenly, because I made the choice to get out of my house today and jump in the pool and it was a positive and fulfilling experience. I’ve set my intention for today to be productive and prepare for a week of adventure! I’m still on track but time is limited! don’t fall behind.

Get out of your comfort zone, jump in the pool, and believe in yourself!!

Staying Motivated to Work Out

The first five second on the treadmill feels unbearable. The muscles in my leg screaming for me to stop the sudden strain after resting and sitting around on a typical quarantine day.

It has been fourteen months into the pandemic and numerous failed attempts to get myself on to the treadmill. After throwing my workout plans out of the window for the last time, I finally found a way that worked wonderfully and like nothing before!

Today is day two into my workout routine: that is running 20 minutes on the treadmill, a small challenge but never to be underestimated. I discovered that listening to the songs by Ev e, a Japanese singer that I found on Youtube, energizes me so much that I’m actually having fun during the usually devastating 20 minutes. It’s the exhilarating competition between the fast beats of the music and my pace of running that puts me on the thrill to not slow down. I’m currently working to finish a two hour playlist, which will be 6 sessions. And at the end of it, I’ll be able to look back and check off this accomplishment.