When reality fails my expectations, I have to learn to be accommodating and flexible, but I get easily frustrated and mad. I’m constantly struggling between my inflated ego and pitiless self-sabotage and self-doubt. Sometimes, I think that I don’t deserve it when things work out, and I immediately criticize myself to keep the optimism away. Whenever a problem arises, my first thought would be I can accept the worst-case scenario, it’s really happening and I can handle it. But deep within my psyche, a voice asks, are you sure you’re not secretly wishing or even believing that it’s going to work out and the worst-case scenario wouldn’t really happen? Are you still unconsciously hanging on to the hope that you are different and unique and you deserve to be the exception? Then I’ll proceed to criticize myself in order to destroy that last bit of hope. My defense mechanism pushes me to absolute pessimism, even in the face of the most trivial things such as making a wrong turn while walking in the city.
I cried and had a mental breakdown in my sleep last night. The self-harming thoughts, the difficulty breathing due to sobs, and the intense fear and desperation were all extremely vivid, just like how I’ve experienced it in the past. Also, I remember I was pitching at my stomach, a struggle with my self-image. But I woke up to a dry face lacking tears, which works in the favor of concealing my unconscious sadness in the waking reality.
Unleashing the buried unconsciousness, the sadness of the inner child acts up while I dreamt, but once I wake up, logic and rationale take over. I stop being distraught and confused, I feel at ease once I understood what was going on, and made a conscious decision to settle those feelings. Then, I would leave the bed and go about my day.
For some reason, I don’t feel absolutely hopeless. Within me, there’s an innate ability to hope despite my conditioned, conscious efforts to eliminate it. I’m hoping that this pessimism will only pass as I get used to the new environment more.
I went skateboarding in the sunset, and the greyness of the sky afterward reminded me of the emptiness I feel most of the nights. Missing numerous sunsets is the cause of my misery because I need the orange glow to keep my soul alive in the monotone darkness.
I REALLY NEED IT. I NEED TO MAKE IT A MISSION TO GO OUT AND SEE EVERY SUNSET.
I will do it! It’s how I can become better. My personal voice awakens in the sunset, and the dark thoughts get pushed into the background and I finally feel like I’m ready for life.
I admitted my limitations and the strength of my opponent, but knew that I had the energy to push myself to achieve the next serve. All I could see and feel was the game at the moment. The world felt so colorful, and I could even see all angles of the gold flakes in the sky.
After the tennis game, I walked home while looking at the lone star. Solitude overtaken me: I was shaken, but not scared by this unfamiliar, re-experienced loneliness. I knew that I was truly alone in this world. No actions of other people can push me anymore. I’ve grown out of following other’s orders in seek for temporary achievement. I have to look towards the distance star: something long term and difficult to achieve in order to move on to the future.
It’s self torture really — having the confidence to face the difficulty and utilize your full potential. Making your own star to follow.