The Hole

how small the sky looks

through the opening

the light and freedom so intangible

from the darkness deep bellow

people stop by

to stare

to comment

how bad it must be

and the voices fades

as the pit gets deeper

and darker

and so alone

it takes one person

a single compassionate soul

one willing to jump into the darkness

to let the lights in again

to emphasize

Being Lost in the Moment

It’s the throbbing in my chest when I sprint out of my room to catch that last glimpse of the crimson sunset and later capturing such feelings in the muse of aimless freedom in my writing. The poetry captures my spontaneity, as a sudden beautiful flickering of the candlelight can launch me into composing a new poem and a supplemental artwork for the post. 

When I listen to my heart through writing poetry, I’m no longer lost navigating the maze of societal expectations. The certainty that the beauty of the candlelight and the sunset will diminish eventually forces me to cherish it at the moment, and I want to bring my readers to the present moment, to the deep meaning of a single flicker. My goal is to share my journey to self introspection and inspire my readers by showing them the appeal of being mindful in the present and breaking free of the past and future. 

Photo by luizclas on

The full yellow moon

the little things in life

the happiness of riding smoothly

where am I now?

what’s up ahead?

Freedom from the Routine

Whenever you feel like you are trapped in the same routine, remember that you have the freedom to do something different and break out of the mundane situation. You should never be bound to anything, especially your own expectations and worries about the things that you can’t control.

The morning walk happened without a goal. It was an important journey for me to feel better after such a long time of being trapped in business. I ahead time to think about why I’m so stressed and what things I should let go of in order to lighten the weight on myself. What good is it to set a deadline that isn’t even reinforced by reality. I recognized the world outside of the worrying mind because there are infinite ways for me to make my day different from the past by seeking out new experience and becoming lost in the moment instead of hurrying everything to get to the next self-enforced goal.

Seriously, you taking on so much right now, but what are the things that really matter?

It’s a tough question but I think it makes me better prepared for the day. I was freed from the all or nothing mentality that trapped me in my own expectations and ripped me of the freedom of my actions.

Alone in the Crowd: Back to School

Have I really grown in the past year or was it all an illusion? Everything is taken away because zoom is tripped away, and all my online skill went away with it. I’m more comfortable with my online identity than in person. I’m losing the protection of online interactions and going in raw in person feels so intimidating. It feels like I went back to the old days of social anxiety and loneliness and not enjoying my time at school at all because wits more troubled with other people’s perception of me. I’m pretending to be someone else but I’m scared to face that I might have regressed into not being about to fit in and make friends normally.

On the bright side, talking with my online friends made it better, and I didn’t keep crying.

The Golden Moon:

The past few days has been disastrous but all it took was a good tennis game with my brother and a beautiful sight of the golden moon. It looked like a gold coin in the sky, presented to me by the black soft background, like jewelry. It was the most beautiful moon I’ve ever seen, and that give me the thought that maybe I deserve something good as well, like happiness.

Life on A Boat

A dot on the horizon

in search of a reason

Dragged by the turbulence of waves

And pushed by the force of the winds,

To where are we being guided in the dark

By the mysterious forces of our lives?

Perhaps the truth lies before us,

it is not meant for us to know.

We learn to navigate swiftly 

between the ocean and the sky

In indecipherable code in above,

In the blinking stars and the twirling clouds,

We search for a clue.

Awaiting for a sudden glimpse 

into the abyss beneath

in the darkness that holds 

the answers untold.

Want to talk hopes and dreams?

What am I supposed to do?

Where am I supposed to be going?

I want to stay here. Can I at least do that?

but at the end of it

I just don’t ever want to think

that “i have to become this”

Not even being able to earn a living

I’ll be okay with that as long as i’m doing the work i love

so the destination doesn’t matter in the slightest

keep doing the practice problems

and pass the exams

because it’s all that I’ve got at this point

see you guys on the other side.

At the Trough of the Wave: Junior Year Finals Diary


I just ran today, I set a goal of reaching 200 calories but i got 198. But I wouldn’t have made it that far if I didn’t push myself to meet that goal. And looking at the result, I was satisfied because it’s not about the score that I get but the health and mental wellbeing benefits I got from doing this workout. I can see myself right now in the last few minutes of the workout, trying to get that number. Facing so many tests, I feel like my life is determined by the number that’s going to be delivered to me by college board and I cram even harder and become even more scared. It’s good to let the anxiety motivate you, but in the end though, look back at how far you’ve come, the regrets, the achievements, and the mental breakdowns. It doesn’t come down to the tests, you have already made it through so much of it. When you are at the last moment to make a difference, believe in yourself and live it the best way possible.

I’m going to try again tomorrow and get that 200. Even if it doesn’t come tomorrow I’m going to try again and again. And I’m gaining just by going through the process. Isn’t that what learning is about too? Remember what Mr. Monge said about failing this one so you can do better in the future. Let future remain as a concept that you would push yourself toward, not pull.

I’m going to leave this in draft until the next week is over. Let me try this out. see how I feel after that, just ot paralel with my experince with the work out


Hey, I’m just checking back in after the first two weeks of hell. I’m so tired, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it. I feel so drain and not even being about to write down my feelings. I’m just numb by all the practice questions and the actually tests. I’ve taken 5 of them so far and 3 more to go. I’m more than half way there, and the second half looks like it’s worse but I’ve got a lot of time to prepare for it. Last way to conquer and reach summer break!

I’m going to relax for the weekend and be ready for the last steps. Then I’ll do whatever planning necessary to get back on track.


Hello!!! Catherine on the summer break just want to tell you that everything is okay here on the other side of the wave. It gets quite boring without the studying and tears but it’s freeing, because you can sail anywhere you want to!

The freedom does come with its own challenges, though. Ever since the break started 6 days ago, my worries and thoughts have suddenly seized to exist. I find myself waking up at a very early hour without the reason behind it. I had nothing to do. Day by day, I find myself yearning for something productive to do but it was too late because I’ve lost faith in myself. I had things planned for this period, updating my blogs, planning trips, college stuff. It should be a very fun and flexible time, but with so much freedom on my hand, I was too scared to do anything. Today I went out to swim, it was really nice, especially the bubbles of the jacuzzi. I felt empowered suddenly, because I made the choice to get out of my house today and jump in the pool and it was a positive and fulfilling experience. I’ve set my intention for today to be productive and prepare for a week of adventure! I’m still on track but time is limited! don’t fall behind.

Get out of your comfort zone, jump in the pool, and believe in yourself!!

Defined as Numbers: Exam Season Stress Relieve

I’ve been struggling with major stress because I’m facing 4 AP exams, SAT, and finals over the course of 3 weeks. I’ve never experienced so much restlessness during the day but failed to do anything due to the lack of motivation.

I was in a helpless and lonely state when I turned to my friends. Even though they were kind enough to respond to my texts, the dread of sadness still lingered and haunted my mind. I noticed that this feeling is coming from inside of me and no amount of pity and encouragement from the outside will help me if I, myself, don’t chose to change it. So I hopped onto the treadmill again.

The first 10 minutes I was making it: not too intense nor too slacked off. But a few seconds later, something clicked inside my head. I set a goal for myself, the last time I worked out, that is to burn 200 calories in 20 minutes. I’m not sure about how accurately the system measures my efforts, but I didn’t care about that. All I could care about is getting that 200.

This state reminded of what I am doing for school and academics. Pouring my body and soul into getting a 95% grade in my classes, 5 on the AP exams, and 1550 on the SAT. But I realized that these numbers are same as the 200 showing up next to the label “calories” on the monitor; they are all generalizations used to define goals. Numbers, in nature, are simplifications of the nuances of life, made for the convenience of sorting individuals by erasing their uniqueness. They are easy to think about and the simple statement of “getting another 5 point” serves as powerful motivation.

But it’s hard to avoid becoming the numbers. I didn’t make it to 200 calories, and I most likely wouldn’t get all my desired test scores, but I know I’m more than just the numbers. Moreover, I’m are not my goals, either, because placing too much emphasis on the expectation can only do more harm than good. There must be a distinction between the stereotypical anchor points that we pull ourselves towards and the invincibility of our competency by believing in our true, immeasurable identities.

There is no reason for you to stop believing in yourself. Use the numbers as motivations, but do not let it shrink and define you.

To the points that died in vain

“I should’ve have lost the two of you. I missed you guys and I need you guys so much. But death is permanent, and I must understand the fact that I can’t get you guys back. I regret my decisions and actions at the time so much. I shouldn’t have let you guys go, and assumed that you are doing okay.”

On the chemistry test, I got stuck on the last part of the FRQ and I fixated on it for 40 minutes even though I haven’t made much progress. Fear and frustration occupied much of my rational thinking and emotions. It was the biggest attack of fear that I’ve experienced all year and I remember breaking down and crying to my teacher a little bit about it.

But everything has to make sense now that I know how it ended. I did as well on the FRQ as I did on the MCQ. Instead of failing the FRQ, I did okay. But what surprised me was 2 points that I missed on the multiple choice. One of them I straight up forgot to bubble in on the scantron and the other I made a mistake marking the right choice. Two points that made a 10 percent impact on the test that I could’ve saved if I just double checked my answer and let the question that I was stuck on go.

The fear at the time didn’t make sense anymore.

Through a random turn of events, the world looks a lot different than what I thought it would be. This taught me that it’s okay to freak out on a question, but I must be able to move on and set that aside the worrying thoughts, knowing that I still have the power to make the next choice that will benefit me the most.

In life, though, this goes back to the concept of the uncertainty of the future I learned about in absurdism. With so much happening in my life as a highschool junior, it’s hard to lose track of the “now” and determine the values of my actions based on some result and expectations like getting into a good college. When I didn’t do so well on a test, my thoughts would immediately spiral down to failing a class, not getting into a good college, and ultimately not being able to become who I dream to be.

But the thing is, there isn’t any way to guarantee a future, all you can do is what’s happening now. If you can be authentic with your every step, making the decision for yourself and not for the hope,

trust me, you’ll be fine.